i hate that we had to meet during this time of my life because you’re the kind of boy i should have fallen in love with a long time ago but now it’s almost summer and after summer you’ll be away at college and i’ll be finding some way to escape this town and we won’t have time to love each other so goddammit why did i have to meet you right now
this morning i learned that maybe someone’s fingers can feel just as euphoric as yours did as they trace my back and i think that’s the most important thing i’ve ever come to terms with
have you ever seen someone and just thought “yeah i could definitely see myself in the passenger seat of your car with the windows down and my hand in yours with no destination but complete contentment and also utter confusion because even though i have no fucking idea where we’re going all i care about is the fact that i’m sitting next to you going 65 down some back road cursing the goddamn universe for not letting me live in this moment for the rest of eternity” because i don’t know sometimes i see people and i just get this overwhelming idea that maybe they could be someone i could fall in love with one day
why can’t someone just show up at my goddamn doorstep with 5 dollar pizza and movie rentals and scratch my back and play with my hair and throw me against a wall and fuck me until the goddamn sun comes up
Erase her name from memory. Remove yourself from her life, more completely than you would like but as completely as she deserves. Move on, so that you can allow her to also move on. When you close your eyes, you don’t get to see her face. Not anymore. You don’t get to think about her lips, the warm glow of her skin when she rests next to you, or how she squeezes your hand in her sleep. You are not allowed to remember the smell of her perfume, that she only drinks mint tea (with two dollops of honey), or that she loves you.
She loves you.
She has been in love with you for too long.
So, forget how she says your name. Forget how she calls your name. Forget how she screams your name. Forget that time you got sick and she stayed up with you all night, letting you lay your head in her lap and holding a cold compress to your forehead. Forget how her hair feels in your fingers. Forget how she looks in your sweatshirts.
Know only that she existed at one point in your life, but relinquish all hope that she could exist at another point — sometime in the future that you are unwilling to specify because you don’t know what you want. Yet. It is not fair for you to swoop in and out of her life as you choose. It is not fair for you to say that you are satisfied with “things as they are” and you will have time to “figure it out” later. Let her stop investing emotionally in you. Let her pour that love and care into the people who deserve her.
Don’t tell her that you think about her all the time. Don’t tell her that it bothers you to hear about her with other people, but that you’re willing to understand as long as she likes you more than them. Don’t tell her that this isn’t the right moment but that there will be a right moment. There is not going to be a right moment. She shouldn’t have to wait for the right moment.
Don’t tell her that you can’t handle ultimatums, that you don’t like the idea of finally adding finality to your relationship — whatever still remains of it.
What you are telling her is that you want to keep her on as an option, that you are taking her for granted, that you want to know she will be there, that you can depend on her at the end of the day. When you find that no one else has stuck around or that those who have are less interesting, less thoughtful, or less doggedly loyal to you.
Doggedly loyal to you.
That is what she has been to you, for you almost as long as you have known her: a constant emotional crutch, the guarantee of stability, a safety net while you reach out to grasp objects that sparkle and shine far greater than she does. All that glitters is not gold, haven’t you heard?
She is fire. You are ice, and you are afraid that her slow burn will smolder your cool, hard demeanor. That’s what has driven your decisions, your actions all along: fear. You are a coward. You are a hypocrite. You are terrified to let her go, but you are afraid she is too good for you, that she could drive you wild, that you would choke on her flames. That she is too much for you to handle right now.
Right now.But if you choose not to love her now, you can’t choose to love her later.”
preach (via mlssb)
i am literally sitting on my bed fucking sobbing this is literally exactly what is going on in my life how is this real did i write this in another universe who the fuck wrote this
i realized a lot about myself
as i was sitting naked in my bathroom
sniffing expired pills from
my parents cabinet
and feeling everything
when people mention my favorite band i tend to get too excited then shit on myself and die
i just want someone to come lay beside me and trace their fingers up and down my back until i fall asleep is that too much to ask
there’s nothing i love more than doing drugs naked in my bathroom and then going to my room and laying on my bed listening to bon iver with the window open and the cold air seeping in
do you ever just feel nothing at all
completely numb to everything
empty, reaching out for something
that is gone forever
the one thing that could fill your void
that you know is
i think i want to die
i haven’t thought about you between every second today
i guess you could call that progress